I just had to post these:
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A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving
badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me
suspicious"
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Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large
gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
"For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"
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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,
when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".
"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman
is Actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the
ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they
are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!""
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs
up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought
Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
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2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking one turns to the
other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'
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The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a
thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the
puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets
his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair
on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
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Scientist today exhumed beethoven from his grave, when they opened the
coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when
asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing
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Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
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Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.
The agent goes "Sean, i've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early.
You'll have to be there for 10-ish".
Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a
racket."
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